For years, I struggled with insomnia
I'd climb into bed exhausted after a long day, desperate for sleep. I felt so tired, but then suddenly my brain had other ideas. The moment I closed my eyes, it was as though someone turned on a switch.
I'd either lie awake for hours before falling asleep, or I'd wake up in the middle of the night and without even looking at the clock I knew instantly: 2am - again!
And if it weren’t enough to wake up at that damn witching hour, it was usually accompanied with sweats and a racing heart. Sometimes I would remember a nightmare, other times I was just in a panic for an (at the time) unknown reason.
If I did manage to fall back asleep, I'd often end up straight back in the same dream, picking up exactly where I left off. It felt like my brain never really switched off. And it was exhausting!
Why can’t I sleep?
At the time, I was in the middle of building my first business.
Every day was full of uncertainty. I was constantly learning, putting enormous pressure on myself to succeed and believing that my worth was somehow tied to my achievements.
Around the same time, I also started trauma therapy, which felt like opening a box I've kept firmly closed for years. Memories I spent a lifetime locking away were suddenly coming back to the surface. Most therapy sessions went deep and knocked me off my feet, but who has time to fully stop when you’ve got your plate full?
It seems so obvious now, but I never really connected those things to my sleep.
I kind of knew I had a lot going on but I honestly thought that was what was required to build a business - it was the era of bossbabe and startup hustle. Back then, struggling and giving everything you had almost felt like a badge of honour.
I became curious about the nervous system
One thing about me is that I like understanding how things work, it makes me feel safe.
Being awake at night wasn’t sustainable, so I started learning more about the nervous system and sleep (I LOVED the book Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker).
The more I learnt, the more I realised I wasn't the only one.
It turns out that waking during the night is incredibly common when people are dealing with anxiety, chronic stress or trauma - it keeps the nervous system in a state of high alert.
Even when we're physically safe, our brain can continue scanning for danger because that's what it's learnt to do. Sleep, especially deep, restorative sleep, can become surprisingly difficult because the body doesn't feel like it's safe enough to completely let go.
I also learned that vivid dreams and nightmares are common while processing trauma. Suddenly those nights where I woke up terrified didn't feel quite so random anymore, what I was experiencing started to make sense.
My nervous system was simply doing what it thought it needed to do to keep me safe.
Understanding this changed the way I thought (and felt) about my sleepless nights.
How I overcame insomnia
I don't think there was one thing but a big part was:
- Going to therapy
- Working through years of trauma
- Getting to know myself better
This helped me to see just how much pressure I put on myself and I realised that underneath my perfectionism was a belief that I had to achieve in order to be worthy of love.
Once I saw that pattern, I couldn't unsee it.
Alongside that, I created little rituals that I still use today
- I realised I dreaded going to bed, so I started making my bedroom somewhere I wanted to be. I bought a very comfy mattress and the softest bamboo sheets, which now makes me excited to go to bed!
- I love using a sleep balm on my wrists and a little spritz of magnesium spray on the sole of my feet before bed.
- I use a bluetooth sleep mask, so I can listen to my favourite sitcom every single night (I set a timer on my phone so it turns off automatically after an hour).
It’s so comforting to listen to something I know by heart. There are no surprises, no suspense, nothing for my brain to solve.
- If I wake in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep, I don't fight it anymore. I'll journal, listen to a meditation, or put on an episode of my comfort show until I feel sleepy again. Acceptance has been one of the biggest changes for me.
What I wish someone had told me about insomnia
When I couldn't sleep, I became completely focused on “fixing my sleep”.
Looking back, I think I was asking the wrong question. Instead of "Why can't I sleep?", it should have been "Why doesn't my body feel safe enough to sleep?"
The answer won't be the same for everyone.
Sometimes poor sleep is caused by physical health conditions, medications or lifestyle factors. That's why it's important to speak with your GP if your sleep problems are ongoing or affecting your daily life.
If you're living with anxiety, chronic stress or the effects of trauma, it might be worth becoming curious about what's happening beneath the surface.
For me, insomnia wasn't something my body was doing to me. It was something my body was trying to use to communicate.
These days, I sleep well because, over many years, I slowly taught my nervous system that it didn't have to stay on guard all the time.
If you're reading this after another difficult night, know that you're not alone.
I hope this article inspires you to be curious. Sometimes understanding what's happening inside your body is the first step towards working with it, instead of feeling like you're fighting against it.
And if you'd like a little helping hand, take a look at our Sleep Collection - you might find something nice to create your own personal bedtime routine.
This article was written by Self Cared's founder Nathalie Reiter.
If you or a loved one are struggling with insomnia and need to talk to someone, you can contact Lifeline Australia on 13 11 14 for 24-hour support. You're never alone.
