I'd had breakups before, and while they weren’t exactly fun, I always knew I'd get through them.
Then I got married.
I think something changes when you get married, at least it did for me.
I didn’t just think about my own future anymore, everything I pictured my life to look like now included my husband. I trusted that we'd spend that future together, because that was the commitment we made to each other.
And when my marriage ended, I realised that divorce was a whole new level and nothing like the breakups I’d had before. My world turned upside down and I was really not ok.
1. You might learn things about the other person that you didn’t expect
My divorce involved betrayal, and even though you’d think there must’ve been signs, I genuinely didn't have the slightest idea.
I was very overwhelmed by the things that unfolded and eventually, I had to stop digging because I figured it wasn’t doing me any good to know more.
When I got married, I trusted my husband, and I trusted our decision to build a life together.
And I think that's one of the things I found hardest to understand about divorce.
You're grieving the relationship, the person, the home and the life you built together, but you're also trying to make sense of this completely new reality that you suddenly have to live in, whether you like it or not.
2. I didn't realise how much grief there would be
I knew I was heartbroken, but I don't think I understood that divorce would involve so much grief.
I wasn't just grieving the end of my marriage and the loss of a person I loved. I was grieving the idea of the life I thought we were going to have together.
And I think that's true even when you're the person who wanted the divorce. You can know something needs to end and still grieve the life you thought you were going to have.
3. I wish someone had told me how many emotions I'd feel
I expected to be sad, but I didn't realise I'd also feel angry, hurt, terrified, numb, relieved, exhausted and lost, sometimes all within the same day.
One particularly difficult emotion for me was anger - I had to really learn how to feel and process it.
I tried lots of different things:
- Boxing
- Running
- Screaming into a pillow
- Journaling
- Talking to my therapist
- Calling a friend
There wasn't one particular thing that got me through, but it all helped.
4. The quickest way through was to feel it all
This was probably one of the best and hardest lessons I learnt.
When you're in that much pain, it's very tempting to find ways around it.
You can keep yourself busy, work, exercise, party, distract yourself or simply try not to think about what's happening.
And sometimes distraction is exactly what’s needed.
Eventually, I realised that I couldn't avoid the pain of my divorce. I could distract myself from it, but I couldn't skip it - I had to feel it.
So I let myself cry when I needed to, feel the anger when it bubbled up and accept that this was my journey.
5. Balance between what you tell friends vs professional support
I had a lot of therapy sessions. A safe space to vent and talk about all the thoughts and feelings I was having - unfiltered and without judgement.
Even though I had people in my life who were genuinely there for me, I felt like there was only so much I could put on them. It’s not only emotional capacity, but also the skill to help with what I was going through.
For me, there were lines I didn’t want to cross, so I took most of my pain to therapy - I started thinking of it as 30% friends and 70% therapist.
Not everyone will experience this kind of loss the way I did, but I needed professional support when it all became too much.
6. I felt a lot of shame and judgement
I was ashamed that my marriage ended - it wasn’t supposed to be this way.
I was worried about what people might think. I was embarrassed that some people knew that he was cheating, people who I spent time with and hosted at my home. I felt like an idiot for not knowing and trusting him so blindly.
I was unsure what I could and shouldn't share and how that reflected back on me. Part of me wanted everyone to know all the details, another part just wanted it all to go away and never to be spoken of again. I was worried about people judging me for how I handled the situation.
But I learned over time that I was my own harshest critic. I have to believe that everyone tries their best within their own capabilities. I judged myself more than anyone for being in the situation I was in. Most people didn’t care and just wanted me to be ok. And the ones that did judge? Well, I guess they weren’t really people I needed in my life anyway.
7. The divorce itself takes a surprisingly long time
In Australia, you generally need to be separated for at least twelve months before you can apply for a divorce, and the divorce itself is separate from the financial and property arrangements.
Until everything is sorted and signed, you might have months or years of decisions to make together. And there are so many decisions…
Who gets the furniture? Who gets the cutlery? What happens to the apartment? What happens to the mortgage? How do you divide your assets? (Plus so much more if kids are involved!)
You're being asked to make rational decisions about money and possessions while you're probably in one of the most emotional places you've ever been.
So after the initial separation, it all just kept looming over me. I found it really hard to draw a clean line and focus on moving on when there were still decisions to make, conversations to have and things to untangle.
8. And the person you're making those decisions with might not be feeling the same way you are
You might have spent years being on the same page about almost everything, and suddenly you're not.
You're both dealing with the loss of your marriage, but you're potentially dealing with it in completely different ways.
With emotions heightened, you might see a side to the other person you’ve never seen before, they might treat you differently. A person that once felt so close, now couldn’t feel further away.
You can't control how the other person feels, what they do or how they respond.
9. I learnt very quickly that you have to let go of what you can’t control and trust a lawyer to handle the negotiations
If I could give anyone one piece of advice about getting divorced, it would be to get a lawyer, no matter how amicable the separation might be. I was far too emotional to negotiate anything myself, and there was so much I just had no idea about.
Having someone who could look at the situation objectively, explain what was happening and deal with the legal side took an enormous amount of pressure off me. It didn't make the process easy, but it meant I didn't have to carry all of it myself.
If you're going through a separation or divorce, the legal process will depend on your circumstances, so it's worth getting advice specific to your situation rather than relying on someone else's experience.
10. Friends and family relationships might change
Sadly, there might be more changes to your wider circle.
Sometimes people feel like they have to choose sides.
Sometimes they just don't know how to navigate the situation and gradually disappear.
Family might slowly arrange back to what it was before you knew each other.
And then there’s the other side: the pain of keeping people in your life that remind you of what once was and moreso, of what life was supposed to be.
Some of my ex-husband's friends called me and made a genuine effort to stay in my life. I loved them and I knew that their friendship was genuine, but for a long time I found it really difficult to be around them.
To this day, seeing them brings back memories of our wedding and our life together.
They knew us as a couple, so spending time with them sometimes feels like stepping back into a version of my life that no longer exists.
I love them, I'm grateful they stayed in my life, and sometimes it still hurts.
I think those things can all exist at the same time.
11. Eventually, you start building something new
This was the part that’s hard to imagine when you’re in the middle of it.
In the beginning, I couldn't think beyond the present moment. I was overwhelmed and focused on getting through each day. It often felt like my world was spinning, it was all too much for my brain to comprehend.
Over time, that started to ease and I began building a new life.
It wasn't the life I'd planned or pictured before everything fell apart.
But slowly, it became mine.
I started to discover who I was outside of my marriage and I became more and more comfortable and content. I started making decisions based on what I actually wanted, rather than what I thought my life was supposed to look like.
And eventually, I realised something I couldn't have believed at the beginning of my divorce:
The future I was grieving wasn't necessarily the future that would have made me happiest.
I just didn't know that at the time.
TL:DR
What I wish someone had told me about divorce
- Get a lawyer.
- Don’t carry everything yourself. Let friends be there for you, and get professional help when you need it.
- You are going to grieve, and you might be surprised by just how much you're grieving - even if you initiated the separation.
- You're probably going to feel more emotions than you knew you were capable of.
- Relationships change and you might lose people you care about.
- You might have to make incredibly difficult decisions while you're completely exhausted.
- You might have to keep dealing with someone you're trying desperately to get some distance from.
- You can't control how the other person acts, and you can't make them grieve at the same pace as you. You can only take care of your side of it.
- Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel, even if it doesn't look particularly productive.
Don't expect yourself to have your new life figured out straight away.
It takes time, but one day you look around and realise you're living a life you couldn't have imagined when everything fell apart.
There is a new chapter, it just takes some time to unfold.
And if you'd like a helping hand along the way, read my Tips on Getting Through a Breakup or take a look at our Breakup Collection.
This article was written by Self Cared's founder Nathalie Reiter.
If you or a loved one are going through a hard time and need to talk to someone, you can contact Lifeline Australia on 13 11 14 for 24-hour support. You're never alone.
